leisuresuitlarry/RM36.MSG

[messages for room 36 -- rmLounge
[	"Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards"
[	by Al Lowe



%message	1
"This looks like a great place to be from."

%message	2
"(You wonder where they keep the lizards.)"

%message	3
"You are sitting."

%message	4
"You are standing."

%message	5
"You can't. The card on the table says \"Reserved.\""

%message	6
"Looks like you won't have any trouble getting a seat tonight!"

%message	7
"You wonder who invented that little plastic net surrounding the glass."

%message	8
"And, how come it doesn't melt?"

%message	9
"Evidently, HE thinks he's funny!"

%message	10
"Wouldn't you think they'd get tired of just going left and right?"

%message	11
"You think they look like men?"

%message	12
"Do you know something about his sexual habits that the rest of us don't?"

%message	13
"You shout to the comedian, \"This ain't funny!\""

%message	14
"The comedian retorts, \"But you are!!\""

%message	15
"The Lizard Lounge."

%message	16
"You're not seated."

%message	17
"There's no one to take your order."

%message	18
"It's a living."

%message	19
"You whistle loudly at the comic."

%message	20
"\"Hey, buddy, will ya hold it down?\" says the comic.
 \"I'm tryin' to earn a living up here!\""

%message	21
"\"Whaddsa' matter, folks? Am I keeping you up?\""

%message	22
"\"You know, folks, it just don't get much better than this!\""

%message	23
"\"Waddaya out there, a painting?\""

%message	24
"\"Tough crowd. Tough crowd.\""

%message	25
"\"I shoulda never given up my day gig!\""

%message	26
"\"Waddaya waitin' for folks? This IS the 'A' stuff!\""

%message	27
"\"I just flew in from Coarsegold...\""

%message	28
"\"...and, boy, are my arms tired!\""

%message	29
"\"I told my doctor my sex life was boring.
 He said 'You need to add the element of surprise.
 Go right home this afternoon, grab your wife,
 and immediately make love to her, no matter what she's doing.' So I did!\""

%message	30
"\"It was still the same old boring stuff;
 but her bridge club got a tremendous kick out of it!!\""

%message	31
"\"You know how I can tell when my wife has an orgasm?\""

%message	32
"\"She drops her nail file!!\""

%message	33
"\"My wife is so ugly...\""

%message	34
"\"...the picture of her in my wallet is an X-ray!\""

%message	35
"\"I told my psychiatrist 'Nobody pays any attention to me.'\""

%message	36
"\"He looks at me and says, 'When did you get here?'\""

%message	37
"\"Didja hear about the clumsy female lawyer?\""

%message	38
"\"She dropped her briefs!\""

%message	39
"\"A man walks into a doctor's office with a frog on his head.
 The doctor says, 'May I help you?'\""

%message	40
"\"The frog says, 'Yeah, doc, take this wart off my butt!\""

%message	41
"\"Did you hear about the new, chocolate-flavored, contraceptive,
 breakfast drink?\""

%message	42
"\"It's called Ovumteen.\""

%message	43
"\"My secretary is both ambitious and horny. Today she asked me for a salary
 on next week's advance.\""

%message	44
"\"Down the street there's a new, live gay sex show.\""

%message	45
"\"It's called 'Anus and Andy.'\""

%message	46
"\"Have ya seen that new R-rated movie about midgets.
 It features full runtal nudity.\""

%message	47
"\"My uncle is a hit man for the Mob. What a great job!
 He only goes to work when it's time to knock off.\""

%message	48
""

%message	49
"\"When I got married I asked my bride, 'Do you perform fellatio?'\""

%message	50
"\"She says it depends on the fella.\""

%message	51
"\"Have you been by the wedding chapel next door?
 They've got this impotent flasher out front.
 We just call him our 'public futility.'\""

%message	52
"\"I hear the pimp at Lefty's won't let his girls perform oral sex.
 They call him the 'Headless Whoresman.'\""

%message	53
"\"What do lesbians like most about their kind of sex?\""

%message	54
"\"Tastes great.\""

%message	55
"\"Less filling.\""

%message	56
"\"Tastes great!\""

%message	57
"\"Less filling!\""

%message	58
"\"Why don't sharks attack divorce lawyers?\""

%message	59
"\"Professional courtesy.\""

%message	60
"\"My wife and I have a new system: if she wants sex, she reaches over 
and strokes me once.\""

%message	61
"\"If she doesn't, she reaches over and strokes me 300 times.\""

%message	62
"\"My son just got kicked out of his co-ed college boarding house."

%message	63
"\"My daughter came home from school today and tells me,
 'Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin.'\""

%message	64
"\"I said, 'Who wants a fluffy martini?'\""

%message	65
"\"The shop teacher asked the high school girl if she knew the difference
 between a screw, a nail and a bolt. She told him she'd never been bolted.\""

%message	66
"\"Have you heard about the new urologist's training film?\""

%message	67
"\"It's called, 'E.T., the Extra Testicle.'\""

%message	68
"\"Have you heard about the new film for marching band musicians?\""

%message	69
"\"It's called, 'Desperately Seeking Sousa.'\""

%message	70
"\"My son has a problem with compulsive masturbation.
 His psychiatrist says he's gone completely whacky.\""

%message	71
"\"My grandpa, the farmer, finally got himself one of those latex ladies.
 I heard him singing about it the other day:
 'The farmer in the doll, the farmer in the doll...'\""

%message	72
"\"Our local inventor just came up with a new, vibrating tampon.\""

%message	73
"\"He says if women have to be miserable once a month,
 they might as well enjoy it.\""

%message	74
"\"My wife just loves going to the movies to watch
 teenagers get laid for the first time.\""

%message	75
"At least the comic's whoopie cushion doesn't smell!"

%message	76
"\"He got caught spreading roomers.\""

%message	77
"This must be a \"No Smoking\" lounge."

%message	78
"You whistle loudly at the girls."

%message	79
"You're not sure, but you suppose they enjoy it."

%message	80
"You're no star!"

%message	81
"You toss the rose on the stage.
 It falls where you will not be able to retrieve it."

%message	82
"\"And, now, ladi... uh, gentleman,\" announces the comic,
 \"we're proud to present the Magic portion of our act.\""

%message	83
"\"Let me just pick someone at random from our audience...\""

%message	84
"\"How about you,\" he says looking directly at you.
 \"Would you like to participate in a little experiment in telepathy?\""

%message	85
"(Of course he's looking at you! You're the only one here!)
 You're game, so you answer, \"Sure.\""

%message	86
"\"Great! Now Paul, my drummer and musical conductor for all these many years,
 will read your mind,\" says the comic.
 \"Come on, Paul, show him your stuff!\""

%message	87
"\"I want you to concentrate on your billfold,\" Paul says.
 \"Clear your mind, and think solely about the contents of your wallet.\""

%message	88
"Since clearing your mind is no problem for you, Larry,
 you do so easily."

%message	89
"\"I'm getting a message... I see something...\""

%message	90
"\"I've GOT IT!\" he exclaims. \"If you open your billfold
 you'll discover some wrinkled business cards, lots of notes,
 some credit cards (which won't work in this game),
 and exactly $%v90.00 in cash!!\""

%message	91
"\"Ladi... uh, GENTLEMAN!\" shouts the comic.
 \"PAUL THE MAGNIFICENT has done it again!!\""

%message	92
"Just to make sure, you take out your wallet and look inside..."

%message	93
"\"Sometimes, she even watches the screen!\""

%message	94
"\"I asked my wife,
 'How come you never tell me when you're having an orgasm?'\""

%message	95
"\"She replied, 'Cause you're never around!\""

%message	96
"\"My wife just loves to experiment.
 Last week she mixed speed with her Midol.\""

%message	97
"\"She had her period six times in one day!\""

%message	98
"\"My wife is a lot like Halley's Comet.\""

%message	99
"\"They both come once every 76 years!\""

%message	100
"Remember: you can't get it!"

%message	101
"\"My son is becoming a real computer wiz!\""

%message	102
"\"His teacher called him a 'master byter.'\""

%message	103
"\"My uncle, the inventor, crossed a cucumber with a Mexican jumping bean.\""

%message	104
"\"He calls it the world's first organic vibrator!\""

%message	105
"\"Last week, I got arrested by a female cop.
 She asked me, 'Are you carrying a concealed weapon?'\""

%message	106
"\"I replied, 'Keep frisking me, and I soon will be!'\""

%message	107
"\"My best sexual encounter was in the South Sea Islands...\""

%message	108
"\"I pushed a volcano into a virgin!\""

%message	109
"\"Didja hear about the copier company that bought out
 a musical instrument maker?\""

%message	110
"\"They're gonna market a new, reproductive organ!\""

%message	111
"\"Thank you, thank you!\""

%message	112
"The girls' smiles beam!"

%message	113
"\"Well, that's all I know, folks,\" the comic says.
 \"Come back for the next show, and you can hear 'em all again!\""